Well, I started this blog almost 3 years ago with the anticipation that we would soon be starting our own family far away from friends and family while living in NC. We thought this blog would be a great way to keep the family informed and share pictures. Unfortunately, the best laid plans don't always work out the way you hoped.
We tried for months to stay positive, but the shadow of infertility was just too much to bear. Looking back, I wish I would have posted about our struggles and everything we did to try and grow our family, but when you're in the midst of it, the last thing you want to do is share with the world how painful it really is.
People don't like to talk about infertility, but it's the silence that makes it such a lonely process. I wish more people talked about it, but then again, I didn't have the strength to talk about it either. So for those of you who are struggling with it now, I'll give you a brief snapshot of what our last 2 and a half years was like. It may be TMI, so for those who don't care to know, see the picture below for our news!
I stopped taking birth control in October of 2012, but we didn't really start trying until December 2012. After my first missed period, I thought to myself, "Wow, this was easier than I thought. But then again, my mom had twins and never struggled to get pregnant, so of course it was this easy for me!" I went to take a pregnancy test, for sure it would be positive, and it was......negative. "Oh, I must have tested too soon." I waited a week, still no period, tested again, another negative. Well this is odd. I had been on birth control for years without ever having a problem or missing a period. I could have told you within a couple hours of when it would come, I was that regular.
Months went by, and no period came, but plenty of negative pregnancy tests took it's place. I had no idea what was going on, but knew that 5 months without a period was not normal or healthy. At the time, my only option was to be seen on base in the women's clinic, which is a great place for healthy women, not ones struggling with infertility. After some pills (progesterone) to start my period, I thought my body would just reboot and I would be fine. Nope. Another 3 months of no period and no positive pregnancy test. The nurse practitioner who I worked with on base was actually doing research on Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Poly means "many", cystic means "cysts", and ovarian means "on your ovaries" to translate it for people who don't know :-) And this NP's research was looking into the link between insulin resistance and PCOS. Since they didn't have ultrasounds on base the only way she could get an inkling if I had PCOS was to have me do the same glucose test that pregnant women take when they are 28 weeks pregnant. So I went and did it. And when you're struggling with 9 months of infertility, the last thing you want to do it sit in a room with a bunch of 28 week pregnant people who are complaining about how tough pregnancy is and how miserable the drink tastes. Get over it ladies! I'll trade with you in a heartbeat!!!
The test came back, I was insulin resistant. I was relieved actually. They knew what was wrong, now they could just fix me, right? I wish is was that easy. But I got my referral off base (all you military people know what I mean) and I would now have the pleasure of driving 50 minutes each way to the doctors office at least once a month if not more often. But of course, this doctors office had a 3 month wait list; which after waiting 9 months already,was devastating. If I only knew then that this wait was just beginning.
We finally got in, the doctor did an ultrasound and confirmed that I did indeed have PCOS (during an ultrasound you can see all the cysts on the ovaries). He reassured me that it was more common than people think. I had an imbalance of hormones which is what caused this to happen. Some people say it's from having excess testosterone and I figured that had to be true since I was raised with 3 brothers, it all made sense now! My doctor thought that a couple months on clomid would do the trick. Great! Wonderful! We're almost done with infertility, right? Nope. You can be clomid resistant (I'm apparently resistant to several things which I've been told more than once or twice in my life). We tried a few months of clomid, increasing the dose each time I didn't ovulate (I would have an ultrasound on cycle day 14 and a blood draw on cycle day 21 to see if I ovulated). Since it wasn't working, the doctor switched me to tamoxifen for a couple months, yes, that's what several women take after having breast cancer, but there are links between that pill and increased ovulation. I was again resistant. Then we switched to fermara (letrozole) for another couple months and I was still not ovulating. We had now been trying to conceive for over a year and a half with what seemed to be no progress. My doctor than suggested ovarian drilling. Sounds barbaric, right? Well they've given it a fancy new name, but I never remember that one, so I call it what it is. They put you under, go in laparoscopically in 3 places, blow up your belly, burn (cauterize) 10-14 spots on each ovary in hopes of reducing the number of cysts on each ovary. They also run a dye through your tubes to make sure each is cleared for sperm to easily travel through and they check for any signs of endometriosis.
Other than having a large cyst on one of my ovaries that needed to be drained and only being able to cauterize 5 spots on that ovary, everything else looked good! Give yourself 30 days to heal and we'll start over with the meds again. By this time, I'd learned that you need to be your own advocate when it comes to your health care. I truly trusted my doctor, but I was done playing around. I didn't want to start over with clomid. I had talked with several people and another doctor who was a family friend (since 2nd opinions aren't an option with military health care) to see what I should take. All those people said to try fermara.
Side note: I've noticed, in general, that doctors hesitate to increase doses of medicine when it comes to infertility. They don't want to be careless and cause hyper stimulation (where your ovaries over produce and swell, it's extremely painful and dangerous) and they don't want you to have multiple pregnancies where not all babies make it or you have to selectively reduce. It can be frustrating when you know you need a higher dose, but your doc wants to start you on a lower dose.
My first month on meds after surgery (on a lower dose) no progress, no sign of ovulation, no change. We were devastated.
We started looking into adoption, but of course with less than 9 months left in the military, not owning a home, moving, not having prospects of jobs, lots of uncertainty, adoption just wasn't an option at the time. The good, no, the GREAT thing about military health care, is that up until this point, we hadn't paid one dime out of our pocket for any of the care I had received. So it was back to the meds, and increased dose this time!
I FINALLY OVULATED. This was the first sign of progress after trying for 2 years to get pregnant. We were through the roof excited. But still, no positive pregnancy test, but I was, for the first time in 2 years, getting a period without the help of progesterone.
Another side note: My husband, Drew, had been tested himself before I had surgery. He didn't want me to be put under if in the end, he had a fertility problem too. He has very normal and healthy sperm; which was great news, but I remember him telling me that he wished he had a problem too, so that it wasn't all on me. Ladies and gentlemen, I married a great man. He stood by me through all of this, let me cry and scream and be pissed, question my faith, question everything, and he never wavered. He wasn't one of those guys who was too macho to go get tested. After seeing all the poking and prodding that was happening to me, he never complained once. Lots of men refuse to get tested and the infertility treatments stop there. Through all the struggles of these last few years, our marriage never struggled, it strengthened our bond immensely.
The next month, at my day 14 ultrasound, everything looked good to go and the doctor suggested IUI (i
ntrauterine insemination). We were so excited! This had worked for so many people that we knew! Here it was, the month we were finally going to get pregnant! This procedure was not free, it cost us $600 which may seem like a lot, but with having to pay for nothing else up until this point, it was a drop in the bucket compared to what a lot of people have to pay.
But it didn't work. We had now officially passed the 2 year mark of trying to get pregnant, and we were devastated. Christmas was right around the corner and that meant a trip home to MN for the holidays. Which also meant taking a month off from trying, but I think that's exactly what the doctor ordered because within a week of getting back to NC, ready to get my period, we finally got a positive pregnancy test!!!!!! We were so shocked. I woke Drew up, he thought I was joking. Would I really joke about this?!?! We ran to target and bought 4 more tests. All were positive. We called our parents right away, our best friends, we told WAY too many people for being 4 weeks pregnant. The doctor saw us at 7 weeks, we got to have an ultrasound and see our precious baby and it's precious heartbeat. We were so happy. The doctor gave us a due date and said that since we saw a heartbeat there was a less than 5% chance that we would miscarry. We started telling everyone. We couldn't hold it in.
We went back to the doctor and what would have been the 8 week mark. There was no heartbeat. It was an out of body experience. Looking back, there were a couple signs that should have clued us into this happening. The heartbeat that we did see at 7 weeks was only 102, it should have been much higher, the due date the doctor gave us was almost 10 days behind what we thought it should have been which meant the baby was measuring smaller than it should have. And we should have never been told that there was less than a 5% chance we would miscarry, but our doctor walked this journey with us and I think he wanted to be just as hopeful as we were. I had to have a D&C (where they surgically go in and remove the pregnancy) this happened for a couple reasons, I was close to 10 weeks by the time we let all this info sink in and got a second ultrasound to confirm that there was no heartbeat, and I still hadn't miscarried on my own. I could have waited to miscarry on my own, but the fetus was still measuring at about 7 weeks and who knows how long it would have taken for it to happen, I could have taken a pill to induce the miscarriage, but there was a chance not all of the tissue would come out and I would have to have surgery anyway. So I just opted for the D&C. Then it was on my terms, the doctor could tell me that everything was still fine in my uterus, and we could get back to trying as soon as possible.
At this point, we had 3 months left in the military. Three months left with great health care, three months left with our doctor. It was a whirlwind. Drew was in the process of getting a job with the FAA, I was in process of training someone to take over my job, we were packing up and saying goodbye to all of our closest friends in NC. We had 3 months of trying, none of which were successful. They were almost a step backwards from the progress we were making. I wasn't eligible for IUI in any of these months because my body was not responding to the meds like it had been. So much for the old wives tale that you are more fertile after a miscarriage.
My mom's coworker referred us to a place in MN to continue with fertility treatments, but we were now paying out of pocket for insurance coverage. I left my job, Drew separated from the military, we moved back to MN while we waited to see where the FAA would send us and we were living in my childhood bedroom. It was quite the month for change. We were so happy to be home though. Neither of us were ever shy about voicing our dislike for the south. We loved the military and all the friends we made while Drew was in the service. There truly is nothing like the family bond of the military, but we were done with the south (if we would have stayed in, our next assignment was Biloxi, MS....that was pretty much the kiss of death on us staying in).
The new doctor was great as well, she ran a bunch of tests and this office truly believed in the connection of a pill called metformin (a pill for those with diabetes) with people who had PCOS, especially since we already knew I was insulin resistant. The infertility world is really torn on this topic, some studies suggest there is a link, some studies say there is no link. I had been off and on it a couple times in the 2 and a half years we had been trying to get pregnant, but it was a fairly low dose, and it didn't seem to help much. My doctor in NC didn't believe it would help, my doctor in MN did believe it would help and she tripled the dose I was taking.
The doctor in MN wanted us to wait with any aggressive fertility treatments (other than the increase of metformin) until after Drew had another semen analysis because his last one was a year old. We were frustrated again because there was a 2 month wait for the semen analysis...hadn't we waited long enough?!?!?!
We don't know if it's the magic of MN or the metformin, but we found out on July 1st that we were pregnant again! I would like to say that we were so excited, but we weren't. It's probably only a feeling you can understand if you've had a miscarriage. The worry and anxiety we had about losing another baby was almost too much to bear. I went into every doctor appointment in my first trimester knowing that we were going to get bad news, but it never came! Our first doctor appointment at 8 weeks, the heartbeat was 171 and the due date was within 1 day of what we thought it should be. Appointments at 10 weeks, 12 weeks, and 15 weeks all had the baby's heartbeat at 150 or higher. I think I just finally started breathing for the first time last week.
Tomorrow I'm 16 weeks, and technically out the woods for a miscarriage. Although I know something can go wrong at any point, I'm actually reassured knowing that something can go wrong at any point....miscarriage at 8 weeks, still birth at 28 weeks, SIDs at 3 months old, going to school at 5 years old, driving at 16 years old, going to college at 18 years old. I'm never going to stop worrying, and that's ok, that's normal. But one thing you are never going to hear me do, is complain about pregnancy (unless you're my very closest friends and family). I won't complain about how sick I was, I won't complain if the baby doesn't come on or before it's due date, I will not complain because this is the greatest blessing of my life and it can so easily be taken away. And I won't knowingly or unknowingly make someone who is having fertility problems listen to how hard pregnancy is because it's not hard, it's a miracle.
For those of you who are struggling, I just want you to know that you aren't alone. It's a silent epidemic. I know how hard it can be to listen to people with "words of wisdom" or "advice" or "how easy it was to get pregnancy" or "we weren't even trying, it must have been God's plan." Trust me. I've wanted to punch each and every one of those people in the face, but at the end of the day, there is no right thing to say to someone who is struggling with infertility, and that's why it's so painful. I won't tell you to "trust God's plan, not your own" or to "just stop stressing out about it, it will happen then." All I will tell you is, don't give up. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but don't give up. It's worth it.
